The self-help myth

So we tied cost of living into mental health and led a little trail over into self-improvement. Really, that's how my mind works. "Just the facts, ma'am." Well, the facts are that I seem to be alive, and in spite of all the theories on how life began or what the point of existence is, it costs money to exist. More money basically translates to better existence. A better existence for you and your family generally translates to an elevated feeling of accomplishment and self-worth. Given the insane spike in "self-help" advice and programs since that little blip that turned things rightside down in early 2020, it would appear the zeitgeist is smack in the middle of a quandary over purpose and performance in the game of life. Money might be the scorecard, but we seem to understand money ain't everything.

Keeping score is a hotly debated topic nowadays. There's a lot of real estate between the "gentle parenting" and the "we are the champions" schools of thought. Like I alluded to in the previous blog, the culture can't seem to figure out if we should understand people, coddle them, or whoop them into shape with harsh criticism to force their hand on improving their lot. But, by and large, we seem to understand the concept of improvement as a species. We want better for our kids. To leave them healthier. Wealthier. With a more robust planet that can sustain a higher quality of life for longer. The methods of achieving those ends are hotly contested and rightly debated, but by and large, that seems to be a lofty and desirable goal for a great many people.

Whether you think you can or you can't, you're probably right. But for all the utility or lack thereof in "manifesting that shit," math comes back into play. Bigger arms? Pushup reps. Slimmer gut? Calorie deficit. Fatter wallet? Cap where the money is going and bring in a bigger stream. Simple stuff. The complex part is all this is brought about by our behavior, which like it not, is just an extension of our beliefs. If I believe in the value of raising a family, I'll probably be willing to forego all the benefits of single life in service of doing a good job raising a family. So the fast car, late nights at the bar, and lawn chair next to the inflatable mattress on the floor that hosts a new female every week don't really compute in the family equation. It's about believing. And finding something you actually believe in enough to let it change your life gets a hell of a lot harder as you age.

Remember being a kid? It's synonymous with being gullible. I say this from a male perspective, but I think especially as a man, as you go through the ranks working with grown men, you get more and more jaded as time progresses. People take advantage of you, no one gives a shit about your struggles, and you just need to buckle down with caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol to get the job done. That's a pretty bleak and simplified version, but I bet it rings with some truth to the average male out there. Of course, as a female, I can only imagine that being focused on for your physical appearance and sexual favors would jade you in short order. Perhaps it would leave you wondering, where have all the good men gone?

A lot of the boys want to be great men. Fit, free from vice, and fathers of the highest order. In the modern vernacular, people have taken to referring to people as kings and queens. If only they knew how accurate that is. People have long desired to exhibit the lofty qualities of the ideal monarch that is the embodiment of our most valiant efforts; a regal person that rightly demands our reverence. Just look at the procession given the hearse of the late Queen Elizabeth. She never really had any political power her entire life, but she commanded a loyal audience the world over.

For all the naysaying about the British royals, they serve as a reminder with how enamored we are with the ideal. Of course, history is rife with examples of rotten leaders drunk on absolute power. But at their best, we feel they meet the example of being dressed richly when things are bleak. Making merry when things are lean. Leading bravely when all seems lost. Serving justice in spite of public perception. Commanding the love of subjects gently cared for and gallantly protected. Deep in the parts we dare not share for fear of being shamed by the jaded, we feel a desire to achieve these things. But how? Even if we believe it is worth pursuing, how do we employ the mechanics to get there?

Here we land on the "self-help" section of your local bookstore. So why call it a myth? Imagine your legs and torso are stuck in 4 feet of mud. You have no shovel, and are hovering at the point of physical exhaustion. There is nothing to grab onto, and even if there were, you don't posses the strength to overcome the suction entrapping your lower body. Self-help in this context would sound like a cruel joke. You need someone else to bring their strength and intelligence to bear to overcome your hopeless encumberment. This of course is the basis of the Christian faith. You're hopelessly screwed, you need someone to offer themselves in your place to pay this debt that you can't seem to source, but nonetheless feel crushed by.

Owing a debt seems to be universally understood. I credit this universal understanding with the popularity of the Ramsey message. Debt free sounds very attractive to the human ear. Not owing anyone anything. But as I've previously stated, just because you don't owe anyone paper money at a given moment, you can still feel you're in the hole compared with where you want to be. It's a feeling of indebtedness. This is strange since none of us asked to be born in the first place. But now that we're here, we're bound by the rules of existence and are beholden to something we can't quite put a finger on. Ultimately, even if we perform admirably, it won't be enough. I think this is evident by the men that have sacrificed everything in war, bravely fought with unwavering purpose, and returned home empty and devoid of meaning. Many find faith as the answer to giving them hope to carry on. Few hold up their medals as justification to sit on their laurels for the remainder of their natural lives. They need a new and focused purpose. We all do. And "paying the bills" won't do it for most of us.

Sitting back to appreciate that you can stock groceries and keep the lights on is not without merit. It's a hard thing to do. But so many people manage to do it, it feel devoid of meaning. Plus, we all know the stories of the folly of pursuing materialism to its logical end where you die and someone else enjoys the spoils of your lifetime of labor. Probably squandering it, to your eternal dismay. So we want "more." What is more? Of course, using the money stick to measure a better quality of existing, that seems the simple answer. But we all seem to grasp there's "more" beyond the "more." Meaningful work, fulfilling family life, and being able to balance your care for your body and the people around you with fiscal performance seem to be key. We want to do what we were "made" to do. Some people run, some people build rockets, and some people teach. We are willing to divorce money from life purpose in theory, but then intrinsically know we have to have the dollars in relative abundance to not feel the sting of poverty.

Ultimately, this word vomit is my verbal process to feel out "more" in my own life. I've gotten pretty good at earning an income in exchange for labor, keeping the wheels on the cars, and paying the bills every month. Add in my abundant family, and it appears that "he has it all." Go find that quote in the first blog post, and you'll see I don't agree with the idea that appearing to have it all going for you automatically means you're fulfilled. Now I'm more than willing accept the idea that I could just possibly be the sorriest son of a bitch to ever exist and be thoroughly worthless to ever think my plight is special or difficult. I'm not saying I deserve a break, but I am saying I understand how people can at times feel thoroughly exhausted.

I don't see the value in coddling people. Brushing over rot or rust doesn't fix the problem. You have to endure the pain to fix it. I despise the dentist. I've had stitches next to my eye, given blood, and endured some pretty gnarly dislocations. I'd rather have all that at once than get a needle in my gums and a drill in my tooth. But getting the rot out and fixing it properly is the only path to have any hope of keeping those crucial bones in your head. On the same hand, hauling up your britches and gritting your teeth doesn't work when you're sweating on a reclined chair considering the mayhem of gritting down on that miserable drill bit. It would be nice to have a little consideration from the people working on you. We all sort of understand the value of "bedside manner." I think we need the same in life.

We need to fix the basement, do 100 sit-ups, spend time gently caring for our wife, and masterfully crafting a path to adulthood for our children. It's a lot. Add in the money piece, it feels pretty near impossible. Saying we'd rather have daddy at the house than a pile of money is a lot easier said when you can run over to Walmart and fill the cart without even worrying about whether we grabbed the coupon book. So to all you gents out there in the same boat, I understand. Viscerally. There's plenty folks I'll never fully identify with, but in this struggle, I get it. For me, it's just like the teddy bear bead project. It seems preferable to just scream F IT and dump the whole works. Embrace the vices and lazy tendencies. Working your ass off just results in more work to be done. Why even try?

It's a wrestling match. And the key is up in the grey. Master that, and you've mastered your attitude, outlook, and actual performance. I think faith and meditation are key in this. Physical training seems to be useful as an outward practice of inner discipline. I don't hold the answers. I just know I can't help myself. I need help. I'm willing to pay for it, but I don't want taken for a fool. That's what we're ultimately after here. Grassroots help, simply grounded in making all of us better. Able to achieve more.

Peace and success. -C